Love/Hate....Motivate

So, after a long, long absence I have finally decided to write again.  It has been a long time. I want to begin by saying that this will be the first non-soccer post, so you should be excited.  However, I don't overly care what you think. However, for some reason that I have yet to understand, you care what I think if you are here.

Sadly, I have not been to the gym in weeks.  Since before my awesome vacation to New Orleans and Charlotte...but the reason for that is not the vacation.  I have no had motivation recently.  I am going through some shit, and just don't really care.  I had to drop out of the Tough Mudder, a very hard decision that brought me way down, and took every ounce of motivation out of me.  But the gauntlet has been laid down by Ajax, and I am picking it up and smacking him in the face with it! Challenge accepted.  Racing for gains in the weight room.  Finally some new motivation, I can't wait to get back into the gym...Monday...cuz I have a huge test tomorrow that I need to focus on.  Kinda important for my national certification for my job.

Another motivating thing for me, I applied to be a head soccer coach at a college. (And here you thought there wasn't going to be anything about soccer...don't worry, this is it.) Crossing my fingers and hoping for an interview...I don't have a ton of experience, so they won't like that, but I know I can do the job, and if I get an interview, I am going to kill it! Bring it on! Just give me the fucking opportunity. I would give up the last three years of my life in which I earned my Master's and am working on my C.A.S. for School Psychology if I could coach at the college level...it is my ultimate goal to teach at that level or higher.

So, as I said, I am going through a rough time in my life...but one good thing from it is that I started writing again. Never found a reason to write when I (thought I) was happy. Let's be honest, I was lying to myself almost as much as I was being lied to. Sorry...I digress...so I wrote a song.  And it probably isn't very good, as a song.  I don't have any idea how I would make it work as a song, but I am sure I could...I just don't know.  Either way, I think it is a great work of art, and if it doesn't work as a song, then it is a really long poem...but either way, I am introducing it as a song. I have not written a song since high school, so I am out of practice.  But whatever.

So, a small introduction and explanation...not about the meaning...but about how its to be read. If you are confused by this now, you will understand when you read it.  Everything in parenthesis is being whispered, they are like the thoughts in my head.  During verse 1, the thoughts are getting stronger, during verse 2, the thoughts are slowly leaving.  The words not in parenthesis are what I am saying to the world. So here goes, it is called:

Love / Hate

Verse 1

I don’t know what I’d do without you                     (I wish I never met you)

My life wouldn’t be the same without you            (You were the worst thing to happen to me)

What did I do to deserve you                                  (What did I do to deserve this…)

in my life                                                                              (get out of my life)

You are everything to me                                             (You are nothing to me)

Pre-chorus

There was so much I wanted to tell you

My thoughts have been dragging me down

I tried for years to hide it…

But finally I can tell you…                                              (finally)

Chorus

You can’t break me down

You can’t hurt me…ANYMORE

If there is one thing I could say to you

One thing to leave you with

I always loved you

But now I HATE YOU

Verse 2

 You did this to me                                          (You don’t know what you do to me)

I can’t stand you anymore                                           (I need you with me)

When I see you                                                                (When I look in your eyes)

A rage builds inside me                                                 (I get butterflies)

I’ve had enough                                                               (I can’t get enough)

Pre-chorus

There was so much I wanted to tell you

My thoughts have been dragging me down

I tried for years to hide it…

But finally I can tell you…                                              (finally)

Chorus

You can’t break me down

You can’t hurt me…ANYMORE

If there is one thing I could say to you

One thing to leave you with

I always loved you

But now I HATE YOU

Bridge

It’s crazy how you can think one thing

Yet feel another

But finally….                                                      (finally….)

Chorus

You can’t break me down

You can’t hurt me…ANYMORE

If there is one thing I could say to you

One thing to leave you with

I always loved you

But now I HATE YOU

~fin

 Everything was supposed to be lined up...but whatever, I don't feel like messing with the format on here, it is frustrating me. I'll be back soon, with more interesting material for you to waste moments of your life on.

Current mood: Blah
Current song: My Confession - Otep

i'm one step closer to the edge and i'm about to BREAK!

It has been a while since I wrote an entry, and I apologize...no actually I don't, I just haven't had anything specific to write about. Life has been too boring, or too busy, never enough time to just sit and write, until now. This will be nothing like my other 2 posts. So sorry, or you're welcome, depending on who you are.

This entry is going to be about the last week. First off, I wanted to say how much of an awesome break I had from work over the last week. I work in a school, so I got the one week off after Christmas, plus Christmas eve off. Break started with an awesome trip to Olean on the 23rd. I was starting the celebration early. Got to spend time with my closest friend who lives way too far away, but he was up for the weekend from Louisianna, and so I could not miss the opportunity to hang out for a bit. We drank some delicious beers, and had amazing food, and just hung out. I even learned how to play pinochle...and I actually still remember how to play a little. Some of it still confuses me, but o well. Add in a little drunk Trivial Pursuit, in which only one of the 3 people playing could get a piece in 45 minutes of playing (we gave up at 2 AM) and it was a great night.  Glass of water later, and I wake up just fine in the morning, somehow without hearing my alarm, right at 8. Which was when I had to leave, so it worked out really well. Drove back home, picked up the wife, and we headed to Rochester. She drove, thankfully...I was a little tired...

Spent Christmas Eve and Christmas in Rochester. Fun to see my wife's family, great times. Got some big news. Probably the best gift of the entire season. My wife's cousin, and her husband, on her dad's side asked the wife and I to be godparents for their son to be born in March! Of course we said yes!!! We were both extremely happy! Also made plans to run in the Tough Mudder in Allentown, Pennsylvania with Steve (for those of you who know me, that was not a mis-print), the father to my soon to be godson. I'll go into the Tough Mudder later.

Went back home later Christmas day, then on the 26th, went to visit with my dad for Christmas. Another awesome day, had a lot of fun. I do not get to see my dad often, and it is always a special time when we can get together. Miss that guy...so it was great to see him to say the least. We had a lot of fun just hanging out and talking. Later we go back home, and that's the weekend. However, Monday comes and we go to see my mom in Olean, and then after dinner and getting my new phone, drive to Erie to get the wife her new phone, then back home in Lakewood. So we were all over the place. Tuesday, I'm back in Olean, only for lunch, but then after lunch back to Lakewood, and I am extremely exhausted from all the traveling. Wednesday and Thursday, nothing, just relaxing, playing video games, hanging out.

Friday, it's back to Rochester...for New Year's Eve, in Downtown Rochester. Thankfully, we are just going to one bar and staying there. So there we are, listening to The Taint play their music on stage. The show was great. However, some dude without any hesitation shoved his hand down some girls pants next to us, and then at midnight, after the wife and I kiss to ring in the new year, this same guy tries to grab my wife and kiss her. She pushes him off, tells him she is married and that I'm her husband. He proceeds to say he doesn't care, and he is interested...She said she isn't and told him to "Fuck Off." He did not. He stayed in front of us...mind you we were right at the stage the whole night, he forced his way in to try to kiss her, and then wouldn't leave. He just kept staring but not trying anything. Eventually, after I yelled at him to fuck off, John, the singer, who likes the four of us that were there together, tells the guy to get out of the way and let the other two back up to the front. The guy goes away, gets a drink. I go to the bathroom, come back, and he is right behind my wife again...so I push him out of my way and whisper into his ear to "get the fuck out of my way." If he tried anything, I was completely prepared to go to jail that night...I was ready to punch him in the face...I think everyone that was up by the stage including the band would have supported me and said the dude fell...he was clearly wasted, and we weren't. Anyway, other than that and a dude trying to elbow my wife in the head (John told him to fuck off that if he wasn't gonna settle down, he'd have him thrown out, they left too), it was a good night. We got to talk with the band after the show, then headed back to the wife's parent's house. New Years is over, and on the 1st, we head back home. We watch the UFC fights that night, and have a couple drinks. Sunday, the 2nd, back to Olean to do Christmas with my mom. Another fun day, nothing crazy. Good times. Break officially over. Let's just say, I do not feel like I had much of a break with all of the traveling. So ends the story of my break...check back soon for an explanation of the Tough Mudder, my preparation for it, and what I expect...and go to toughmudder.com, it will help to explain as well.

Race is not until April 9th or 10th, expect a full recount of my tale.